A new Beginning… ‘Hope’fully

the new academic semester has passed by me and is now a week old, and seems to be coming and growing onto me. the fun seems to settle in and so do i…jus have to learn to calm down and be social(though i am with everyone but a bit more is needed) … my vacations, well werent that bad considering that i jus loitered around in my apartment home and spent most of the time in my room (for which i have now been labelled a recluse)…The week was fun as i see the drawing come alive in front of my own eyes…the world still seems a pretty wierd place to be and sometimes i wish i pull my hair out because of the sheer madness this world put me into with its double minded, two faced people who change in a blink of a second and then there are people who for some strange rhyme or reason, or without any, are good to you and actually make an effort to minimize your pain and calm you down and listen to you …met one recently while researching and realized about the other one who has been already there…is it their aura or dunno what which just emits such positive vibes that you tend to just want to scream out ur pains to them…lending a listening ear everytime when needed, i wonder who lends them though i try on my behalf to return twice the love am recieving coz for something i am not deserving, it should be returned with interest and sometimes i wonder how to…someday i would definetly like to ask them, why waste time on boosting up a self pitied guy who seems to do nothing but becomes desparingly hopeless about things and cries on petty issues but not on major ones like death…i mean seriously these both ground me atleast…where do you guys get your energy from? whats the secret? couldnt have asked for a better beginning, hopefully all the optimism and positiveness would help me be a better person and the ‘devdas’ and the ‘depressed soul’ though i feel too that i hope it would help me and the change seems to be working a bit since i have opened up to a few people …though still feel wierd in a crowd or a crowded place, a good company and a person beside you with a positive aura makes all the wierdness worthwhile…i dunno what to say coz Thank you doesnt seem to do justice to that and hopefully you guys will continue to calm this wierd piscean who’s freedom is a bit too much to handle even for himself.
On the other front, people say i need to be in a relationship but at this stage i dunt see myself for u need to be in love and attracted to be in a relationship so am very much single, for the time being….will surely shout off the rooftops when i am in a relationship so all you gossipers look out for that (God now it feels like what movie stars feel like)…Ramchand Pakistani has released in cinemas am hopefully wanting to catch that movie either tomm or day after or otherwise next weekend probably along with Kismet Konnection…i still dress ’sloppy’ and ‘wierd’ and not sleekly and in a chic manner but thats what i feel easy going in and as my parents say no parent will give u their daughter’s hand in marriage and then comes endless example of a ‘friend’ of mine or that i dont dress normally …still trying to become immune to things like that…though its hard to pretend that i am
So that was this week ..jus reached home and had food and now writing this post…

P.S. i am also writing a novel but with ivs along it does seem like an endless journey…lets hope that hopefully it will be an interesting one

Need

there are times in your life when you need to cry sometimes with a reason and sometimes without…when you feel like as Rose says in titanic you are in a ‘crowded room shouting at the top of my lungs and no one even looks up and the inertia of my life plunging ahead and me powerless to stop it’…you feel like in the spur of the moment the earth splits open and you just become one with it. You want someone to just listen to you tell them whats in your heart without the fear of them judging you or reacting strangely, in such times of crisis you need support from a friend or a partner who can listen to you and console you, We all need someone someone to support us and hold us when we are in a situation where we might collapse any moment, human beings are designed for anything but loneliness and those too busy chasing success when they achieve it they have everything but relationships…what one needs to realize that its the journey thats important not the destination…but that is another story and debate altogether, what i was saying was there are certain times in life where you feel you are all alone and when this loneliness creeps up to you, you tend to make decisions which might alter the course of your life in a direction which you might regret in the later stages of life, you tend to lose your ability to differentiate right from wrong and thus to make matters worse you end up in a situation you did not want to in the first place…the need however is for those people to stick with their friends are partners who are going through a rough patch in their lives and support them and be with them in every way possible lending your shoulder for them to cry on when needed and providing them with shade in the harsh sun of problems…sounds cheesy i know…but what can i say that it all helps that person to a certain extent to retain his sanity and his belief that you are there for him no matter what… might be an acid test for you as to what the hell am i a servant or what that he comes to me letting out his frustrations but then again you didnt choose to be someone’s friend or partner just like that…as rani says Dosti ki hai nibhani to pareygi(you have become friends now, so will have to bear the friendship) also it also becomes a responsibility on your shoulder not to end the relationship and call it to quits, you might be able to move on but the other person banking on you for emotional support might just break down, collapse like life does after meeting death, and the consequences well, they are better left unsaid…coz it might be worse than you can imagine

We all need Someone…

Just thought of sharing this piece of writing…

We All Need Someone by Rich Clingman, May, 1980

 

It seems in the world today
We’re afraid to be involved

In the lives of others,
Even those whom we love.

 

When their hard times come
The only thing we’ll say

Is, “Pray to the Lord,”
And then we’ll walk away.

 

 

Or maybe we have the answers
That work every time for sure,

The quick remedy
Or the ready-made cure,

 

But what they need is someone
Just to be near,

To take some time,
To lend a listening ear.

 

 

We all need someone we can talk to.
 We all need someone who’ll be there.

We all need someone we can lean on.
We all need someone who’ll care.

 

Have you ever needed
Just to be heard?

Not seeking advice,
Nor a positive word?

 

Have you said, “If someone will listen
To what I have to say,

Then maybe a change
Will come my way”?

 

 

There are others here today
Who think the same as you.

If you’ll listen to them,
Well, maybe they will listen, too.

 

If you’ll give your love to others
Then they will love you back.

Let’s help each other
In the things that we lack.

 

 

We all need someone we can talk to.
 We all need someone who’ll be there.

We all need someone we can lean on.
We all need someone who’ll care.

 

Won’t you take a minute
To think about what you’ve heard?

Just look a little longer
It’s written in God’s Word.

 

Get involved in lives of others,
Take a minute to understand

The troubles they’re in.
Won’t you lend a helping hand?

 

 

You will be amazed
At the difference it can make,

The ear you lend
And the time that you take

 

Can help someone so greatly!
The love you’ll show today

Can help them in their walk,
Get them headed back the right way.

 

 

We all need someone we can talk to.
 We all need someone who’ll be there.

We all need someone we can lean on.
We all need someone who’ll care.

 

We all need someone who’ll care.

 

Won’t you be that someone who’ll care?

The Course Of Morality

Morality, what is it, some describe it as the way of life while some credit it as the understanding of the right and wrong but who determines what is right and wrong…sure there are standards but who determines them, and who determines those who determine those standards…the course of morality is very subtle. what might be right for one person may not hold the same value for the next depending in what situation and what place you stand at. An extra-marital affair might become right if you are the one who is involved in cheating but not when you are the one who is cheated… i have seen many people do that, what might be wrong for others according to them becomes right the instant they are faced with a similar situation. why is it tha people cannot stay on their word for i have known people go back on their word, which they have sweared and are convinced about totally and believe in, and then regard it as simply put their mistake coz people tend to change…yes i agree but why dont they stay firm on their word? are they too scared to be confronted with the same situation? or they dont believe the decision so strongle as they make it out to be in front of people?  but again when seeing it other light one tends to see that some of it is intentional while other isnt…its all from which perspective one is seeing it…and despite the fear being labelled bad or undecided or anything like that they go with it probably because they do not have a way out which others and people around them fail to see and forget that Rani said in her movie humtum that ‘people arent bad, bad are the times befall’…i agree no one is bad from the time of birth it is the situations that person is put in to which he reacts in a certain way which is then labelled ‘bad’ by the world…but that person is not accountable to anyone…anyone at all except for himself and those people who are related to his decision or response and that again also varies from situation to situation where people related to certain decision do not have to be told or given justification of any of the decisions e.g. a person is dying therefore in an effort so that many people dont remeber him after he is dead and be sad he is rude to everyone or if a friend fears that his friend at one point might have to make a choice where he would be in a situation ehre he would have to choose between him and other friend then before hand that friend becomes rude to that person because if the relationship ends he wouldnt have any problems or be at crossroads wondering where to go as the phrase goes ’sometimes you have to be bad to people for their own good’ but then again that good is how you see it and not the other person so it does remain a question is it really good and justifiable to that person who does not even know that for what ‘good’ is he being treated ‘badly’

Phew! that felt good…all thanks to Ghazal for introducing me to the world of blogging

A semester gone by…

a semester went by…new environment…old friends…new enemies i seem to have all theatrical possibilities occuring in my life throughout the whole semester…the semester strangely made me a bit grown up as i experienced life as never before. old people, new faces…some friendly some not so…experienced the star plus politics in my life…nevertheless it took me time to settle in as usual…as far as my work is concerned, wasnt satisfied much with my own work prolly coz i was learning about my flaws with new things that were introduced to us…and advanced stages of some things old…coming in this new environment i missed that spark i had towards my work  throughout the semester,(though it did come back during tie and dye and my electives) but missed that alot seemed like that excitement got lost somewhere amongst the busyness of the work or probablyy coz was getting settled into this new environment…the thing that probably resulted was probably some of the people who turned me off and me being the wierd one who’s buttons are pushed easily by people and who lets people get him easily well, seems like i did…but then again admist of all this i think no one else but i am to blame for everything that happened and am just being like that person who despite knowing that its his mistakes blames others just for the satisfaction of heart maybe…nevertheless am reviving myself back again and seems like the excitement is coming back again…and this time one promise i wont let those some people get to me atleast for in this world one has to guard oneself from the arrows of people with a smile…lets see how far i succeed in doing so…God help me…seems like i need to have or rather produce thoda pyaar thoda magic in my life for that added spark i need…

Blur…

i Stand here thinking, thinking about myself, the positiveness i once exuded, reserverance from the world i still have, i peek out of the corner of my eye. Time seems to have come to a stand still for me for people moving around are in a blur, each and everyone of them, who has the time to look into lives or stop by. and there i am sitting, sitting still there at the station with my gaze fixed at the optical illusion, as people walk over its marble covering. I look inside my self and see no one, i see no one except when my eyes get adjusted to the dark a helpless person in a corner, sobbing away and as i go near i get attacked, slashed, cut, my hair torn, i manage to get away somehow to see what just happened. Despite him being on chains, i pity the poor thing for with this sort of freedom all he had to do was wait to live wait to die wait for an absolution which would never come, and that is what i am doing sitting here waiting….waiting. People say i have mood swings like anything, i am very reserved, People say!…*sigh* these people who move around in a blur around me, Decent people! these decent people make or break a person for they both co-exist in the society. They always anger me, these decent people who know nothing about anyone would not stop to look at life but to taunt others’ who knows probably their own isn’t that good and no matter what you do how loud is the music you plug in your ears or jus simply try to ignore them you can’t…As i sit here day in day out, my clothes start to detoriate, the flesh on my bones starts to thin out and as i dont move at all i end up i end up being a rotten frame of skin and bones with tattered clothes hung onto it, as my vision starts to fade and my skin peeling off my bones like that of bananaskin from banana, i just detoriate leaving away a stench filling rotten pile of skin, bones, hair, hardly any flesh and a pair of eyeballs still in the eyesockets with their afixed gaze waiting…waiting for something to happen as i stand up and try to become a blur with the sensible world commenting on the rotten pile  ‘what’s that stench! eww!’ and move on…….

Suicide Note

Just a random thought to write a suicide note cum will who knows what mite happen next .more things will be added as they come to my mind before i die or go insane

To Who ever it may concern (read whoever may find me dead for who is concerned for just another death),
    Guess seems like i chose a bad time to say goodbye but nevertheless better late than never. Seems like i decided to cut down Pakistan’s population by one person but who knows how many are born each second. You just found me dead! woah! but if you are reading this i am probably long gone embarked on a new adventure. Wish me Luck. As far as my death goes, hmm well if you are anyone who is related to me through blood, guess you won’t have to miss me at parties anymore (asi if u did). ok lets cut the crap. Whoever reads this letter i have a few requests to make of few things i would require of you to do.

• No mourning for less/more than 3 days. i dont want the chehlum or barsi or things like that. For God’s sake why would i want people to be sad while remembering me on certain days
• which brings me to my second point that i think i have bridged enough gap from you all in terms of my relationship with you that after my death i am sure you wouldnt be sad and miss me or putting it in blunt termsyou wouldnt come even to shit on ma grave
• Donate my eyes, atleast someone could see the world the way he would want to not as he is made to
• Burn all my drawings, sketches and all my work plus my pictures
• Donate my school textbooks and give my novels to Sara she asked for it. I’ll probably leave a list of who should get which one. Catfights because of me is the last thing i would want after my death
• My music collection to Sara mahmood and Sameer.
• Of my death DO NOT i repeat DO NOT tell anyone not even whom you guys consider or see as my closest friends which includes Sameer Sacib etc. Though eventually they will come to know of it so i want them to be informed of my death after a month i have deceased for the later you tell the less the impact is for i thats what i have seen in them and then after just a few minute visit they can go to their own worlds far removed of my existence and smoke up the nite

Why did i die? well thats one question i had been finding answer to all my life. even i don’t know the answer. Maybe it was the frustration from this finicky world? or was it silent storm within me which became the cause of me killing myself? or was it the constant pressure? Or was it my own depression from things i wouldnt want to mention here and cause embarassment for those certain people? but then again its a secret as to why i died a secret best defined in line ‘ its for me to know and you to find out’

Cheesy …i know

‘Yours, NOT ANY MORE

Owais

 

P.S. Trust me you now have one less person to worry about (if i was important i.e.)

Love

Love the most popular topic in the world. About time i start venturing into and making a distinct comment about a territory alien to me and experimenting a bit. To people whom i am a lonely love-struck social retard this might strike as a surprise as to why it took me such a long time to comment on this alien territory. Frankly the answer is i really don’t know. to understand Love one must understand that love is not a thing it is merely a feeling, rather than anything else like what those sayings of ‘experienced’ people say, which who has experienced knows the joys and pains that come with it and who hasn’t (which includes me) doesn’t. So what is it about Love that interests everyone at one point in his life? It is probably how just two people come together and develop feelings for each other despite any blood relations whether be it developing into a relationship through repeated meetings or just a single one…like Rani said, ‘Kabhi ek mulaqaat hi kaafi hoti hai aur kabhi buhat si mulakaatien lag jaati hain’ which translates as ’sometimes it just takes one meeting and sometimes it takes more than one’ or is it the powerful strength that Love gives or causes. It can sustain you through trying times and motivate you to make extraordinary sacrifices. however it can also force ordinary men to perform the darkest deeds or compel them to search hidden truths. Seems like what interests more to people is not what love is but the consequences or what it causes. apart from the blood relationships, for the person who is in Love, Love is nothing but the central drama of their lives. It has all theatrical possibilities. Passion, jealousy, betrayal, revenge, you name it and its there and what better example there is than the romantic movies of bollywood. Love is something, something like an illusion that is created by man to control their haphazard emotions. yet it is the same illusion which should be the basis of marriage, a commitment between two people. true that friends can marry too but best friends don’t necessary make best spouse to each other unless and until they make the marriage work but then again they would be denying love to their spouse and themselves. However the couples who marry out of Love for each other soon discover that they have to make their marriage work and cant go on believing that love will take care of it. Love is not some diety or entity which you rely on its just the mutual feeling two people have for each other. So how does one know one is in love or is it just mere infatuation or a deep crush or an entity of desire…the answer is something i don’t know because i have never been in Love and therefore cant say much about it. However IF it is the same kind of love that friends share, or same kind u share with your sibling or one of the parents, then i can say Love is just being unconditional. You don’t keep track of things you do for that other person or give for that person, you just do it without a rhyme or reason just because that person is your friend and without caring what you will get in return. As Hema Malini quotes, ‘pyar mein lene dene ka hisaab nahi rakha jaata, pyaar to bas kiya jaata hai’ which translates to ‘you don’t keep track of things you do for your loved one. you just Love. But sometimes when your efforts and your Love isnt acknowledge it hurts it hurts like a pang a dagger just thrusted into the chest without a warning by the invisible hand of fate and that is the time when that person needs someone to hold onto for only someone else can fill up a void left by someone or else it just becomes a uncared wound which does nothing but scaths you everytime you remember it which is likely to be almost every moment of the rest of your lives no matter how much you try to distract yourself. But then again as Abida Parveen quotes in Nasir’s ghazal, ‘Pee ja ayaam ki talkhi ko bhi hans ke nasir, gham ko sehne mein bhi kudrat ne maza rakha hai’ which means that one should drink the tortures of the days with a smile for life has kept joy even in bearing the sadness. well another example of that would be if you eat something really spicy, you would immediately grab up for water but in between that time the tastes surging in your mouth and the burning tongue has its own uniqueness to it. Love is strange in many ways and in some as simple as it can get. But as far as my knowledge goes, my knowledge of love comes from love itself or reading about love or observing people who say they are in love. and what i can say about it is that Love is the basis of all the relationships there is and as you mature in that relationship you peel off the layers discovering something new from time to time.

If you can’t make sense throughout my blabblering, my apologies

Strange are the ways of this world

well the world has always seemed to be a a very starnge place to begin with…i have been pondering over this question since my birth, i am actually one of the few who was pondering the same this as to what this world is therefore did not cry when was born unlike people who express their displeasure immediately of entering this world by crying coz they couldnt do much about it after they have entered unless they acquire some knowledge of this world and decide to end their lives when they come to realization of this world being a wierd place. Yea so where was i, yea apologies for blabbering but when it comes to writing i let my fingers do the talking… the world is a strange place to begin with, with its set ideas and notions, the moulds which are set by a society or a number of people with similar ideas bbut what if someone from amongst them wants to break this mould, he is sidelined, laughed upon, mocked, made fun of, taunted and all that eventually would get to that person in one way or the other. The person would either kneel down to the command of others and do whatever others want or in the process of continuing to do what he wants eventually will go mad for this world wouldn’t let him live or die. the need for the quest to find the answer is that why is it that ice’s destiny to melt into its own water…if it is then why it is said people can change their destinies…the answer lies in the circumstances. every human being responds to the circumstances he or she is put in for these circumstances are the one which decide their fate and their destiny according to their responses towards something. how to respond is in hands of the person. but no matter how much a person ignores the barking world out there it affects that person in one way or the other. in ignoring the outer world his inner world becomes a rage, a storm of emotional tides in which the tsunamis of lonliness disable him to do much (read the lonliness post for more) and therefore instead of people accepting whoever and however that person is the person is squashed under the giant foot of set rule book of the society, if he succeeds, then he is remembered or else has his grave in just another corner of some gloomy old graveyard alone and silent suffering in the same way as he did during his life. Whoever u are you should accept people around you as who they are afterall knowing a certain fact about someone doesnt and shouldn’t alter your perception of that person for example if am friends with a person and a few years later he comes to me and says he is gay i’ll be like yea watever for it doesnt and wouldnt change the type of person that person is what would upset me is the amount of time and confidence he would take on the trust he would have on me but then again i wouldn’t be for that person would have had enough troubles to handle if he came out vocally or if a person who has studied science and wants to pursue arts parents should be willing to encourage rather than just let the person face and take the trouble that comes with the choice he wants to make happily turning it into a nightmare…in both the situations the person shouldn’t be outcasted of society just because you dont think it is ‘normal’ or that person is ‘different’ if you do, well then don’t expect that person to listen to you when you are in need of help and if that person does listen, you let go off someone whom you shouldn’t have…indeed the world has some strange ways of living created by its inhabitants

Loneliness

a shocking moment for us when time stands still, the moment we come to realize what we have been in this world for so long…alone. Framily and friends leave us alone, abandon us betray us and won’t be back. Or has it been us who have moved a few steps back from these relationships. whatever the case may be in the end we are left all alone by ourselves. Of course some see great value in going alone. The weakest ones either take to drinking or suicide, the remainder, well they have their own story to tell…it is these lonely momonets that either they began new unlikely relationships regardless of anyone understanding it. With one hand desperate in need and other willing to lend a helping hand, when such kindness is offered, one just grabs the opurtunity which causes them to realize to see the worth of those who were just written off. It is in these make-believe relationships what the lonely rely on and heavily count on and no one knows that better than the lonely. Or either they simply go, what the normal world would say, mad. a perspective which is really worth delving into. A person for some odd rhyme or reason deliberately steps back from relationships which he fears might lead to people being hurt or simply sometimes out of misery people do not take care of themselves and as a result life shoots them down like an arrow to wood. Splinters that fly in every direction stab their friends without any hesitation and make the ones they love just as miserable as them. Left alone, the person does not befriend anyone let alone trust. Doesn’t share his troubles, pains, angst with anyone believing in the fact that though hapinness doubles when shared so does sorrow for you just make the other person worry about you which might affect them in one way or other. Later stops even trusting himself and in this confused and dire state all he is doing is clinging on what others persisitently believe in him and jus keeps going on. Alone he starts hallucinating, seeing different things around and go, what the normal world calls, MAD. Now does the person goes ‘mad’ just because he is seeing things. i don’t think so. He is called ‘mad’ because he sees things ‘normal’ people don’t. then do they have a right to condemn his reality just because they cant see it? let me give you an example. what do you see right in front of you? for example if you are reading this on a computer you see a monitor right in front of you. But i see a printer here. What if every other person entering the room sees a printer. would you still see a monitor? then who’s reality is more real? yours or theirs? the person who is left alone or a person who has left someone alone…think…