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second day

Went to the field today…had the same nostalgic sad feeling as before however this time around i felt something was missing. though i knew the hustle bustle of the whole class now though seem to be missing, however the people exuded the same warmth willing to help us out…however something about either this trip,my unfinished work at home or God knows what seem to be out of place…spent more than what i did before seeing things around, i somehow seem to much more interested in helping these people out than focusing on my dissertation…the photographs have turned out pretty good and useable…lets see what happens…i unfortunately didnt submit in that story competition though had a story in mind but anyways will hopefully complete it tonite since i dont seem to be in a rush to sleep…and as the train howls tugging along towards its destination and announcing it from the nearby station, i sit here writing this while listening to surprisingly an english song…which is a rare occasion, it seems to go through my heart and meena kumari from pakeezah echoes in my mind with her dialogue of the train going through her heart…anyways think i’ll play some games before writing the story…

My first train experience

as i peeped out of the window waiting for my first train experience, the hauntingly empty station seemed to loom as if a someone had drenched the soul out of the body. the hustle bustle just a moment ago before the train arrived, was nowhere to be seen, guess that is what happens after a train robs station off its soul to give life to itself. The air conditioner seemed a bit too much but then again it was doing its work of dozin me off…waiting for the train to start i shifted my bag from one leg to another, waiting for my jab we met experience. going through the slums of one of the biggest metropolitan pf the world, as it geared forward, i somehow felt experience of being in the journey talked about by the poets and philosophers. As the train lurched forward moving around it wen through a series of stopping at various stations, everytime it felt like leaving behind a part of me. with no option but to move to the rhythm of the train i dozed off in the rocking cradle. as the train moved on forward i feel like being the passenger of the train of pakeezah passing through meena kumari’s heart giving her hopes of freedom

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BAck

talk about returning back…being a self confessed user of facebook i cant deny the fact that ignored things here….so am back hopefully for now….the semester eneded was a busy one though…very busy one…and fun too…in one of the assignment wen we had to go to interiors of sindh where it was so touching to see how people in rural areas live life to the fullest and satisfactorily compared to us in the cities…almost fell like i wish i was rich and give’m all for they deserve so much better than what they have and its sad to see they are unable to have everything for they to me seemed much more deserving of better life than us ignorant ones….tch tch tch…another why which doesnt hav an answer…

The fool in me…

I must learn to love the fool in me – the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laught and cries.It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool.” – Theodore Isaac Rubin

a long long time ago…

its been almost two months since i posted anything on the blog, was it laziness or was it not being able to filter down my thoughts to be penned down on the paper or rather typed onto the computer i dunno…maybe there are so many thoughts and things going around in mind that filterin and organizing those thoughts seems like the most difficult thing to do. Two months…well met a few very interesting, diverse intellectuals through this course of life…got to learn new things, hopes, aspiration, life stories, ppl living their life to the fullest, those striking the right balance between things, some caring, some valueing themselves and inspiring me to do the same…hope i do continue to keep in touch with them…seems like am losing touch with some of those whom i held close once … slipping away like sand yet leaving behind the feeling of being in contact with them… the Hopeful beginning hasnt been as hopeful as i thought but hasnt been bad either…midway into it and around 5 weeks to go i think it was an interesting journey,but then again it wouldnt be worth it if it wasnt hard…Am so having second thoughts about my degree of textile design since fine arts is where my heart lies but then again i enjoy doing every bit of it…maybe will combine the two (i do try to though) but it is waited to be seen how that turns up since i hope that the oppurtunity is just arriving around the corner… wanting to discover myself through art is something i am wanting to embark upon and i do try to do that through my work but then again proimarily i would like to do it n focused on it clearing out things in my mind and creating things solely for myself …on the interesting bit an astrologer claimed love wud be entering my life and i had two extreme reactions to that …’finally’ and ‘yea rite’ lets see what happens there:P…a few more names added onto the list of people who all me pessimists and urge me to value myself which does seem sort of absurd to me since i tend to like to believe am much more of a realist than a pessimist…but then again perspective of looking at things does matter too in the context where one calls me pessimist…ending this post i wud say that it was definetly a needed post to boost myself up for writing again

Tug-of-war

There are times in ones life where one is at the receiving end of hostility from another person whom he is a friend to and turns for support, even i have intentionally put people at that end for heir own good, but rarely it is when you come to know the reason of this behaiviour towards you which seems to be that it is deemed as either not to trouble you with things or emotionally detaching u frm them for it would only invite trouble. And it does hurt, like a thousand pincers that you can do nothing absolutely nothing about the situation except to hang on to probably a false hope as to that person would reconcile. As a person who has put many people through the acid test it does seem many dont even survive barring a few who do. But even in those times i have tend to put the intentions behind the facade of being the hostile person to detach people from myself so that they have one less person to care about…but when the person at the receiving end comes to know of the more of the onli half that he is shown, all hell breaks lose for the person who is at the other end. Its like if there are two friends and one is about to die he will make sure that his friend wouldnt remember him after his death but hell breaks lose when that person’s friend comes to know the reason of the strange behaiviour of his friend. The person who has put the other one at the hostile receiving end just because his own life is a mess, as a person who has gone through all this, i can say we are probably no matter how strong we are or pretend to be that we are, we are sort of a bit afraid that someone can stand beside us caring for our troubles as his own for no rhyme or reason. The fear isnt baseless since one does feel what would happened if that person is gone after knowing the reason behind that hostility, or one questions why is this person so kind towards me, though as much as we need that person as a support we tend to be overcomed by our fear which leads to complex situations of other person feeling that you think that this relationship has turned into a burden rather than support which that person is ready to provide at any time. However as i said in my previous post of Need that we all need someone  in our rough patches of life to put our head on and cry our heart out coz we are designed for anything but loneliness…but in those times to people putting others at the hostile end it does become their responsibity as to realize that there are people who can care solely about you at whatever time you need them without any rhyme or reason just because they earned a friend in you and believe in u. One should rather not be dellusioned by the troubles and learn to trust the person at the other end who’s ever extended hand you refuse to take just because of the reason that you believe that you do not want to bother them with your troubles of a messy life…being the person at the receiving end i do know that it is an acid test but as i learned from someone who had his hand extended all the time for me that all you have to do is cling on and have the hope that the person will come around looking for your exteneded hand to just squeeze and cry out all his troubles with that all u have to do is keep it extended with or without any hope just because of a simple reason that you consider that person your friend.

But…

but then again the person who has his hand extended shouldn’t be disappointed at any time of his life that, that person didnt come around for this wasnt a prerequisite you kept for that person before considering him a friend. You should do things without expecting anything in return, be it the return of that person, in this world you won’t find many takers now for such thoughts and you would end up being scarred for the rest of your life thats why do have your hopes, but not great expectations. For if you do end up getting scarred, there is no way, no matter how much you want, you have to move on…

Just that then you’ll stop learning to trust someone just because of one or few people just like the person putting you at the receiving end probably has and the tug-of-war can probably only be stopped by sitting down calmly and talking , crying and screaming out your troubles and problems to each other

A new Beginning… ‘Hope’fully

the new academic semester has passed by me and is now a week old, and seems to be coming and growing onto me. the fun seems to settle in and so do i…jus have to learn to calm down and be social(though i am with everyone but a bit more is needed) … my vacations, well werent that bad considering that i jus loitered around in my apartment home and spent most of the time in my room (for which i have now been labelled a recluse)…The week was fun as i see the drawing come alive in front of my own eyes…the world still seems a pretty wierd place to be and sometimes i wish i pull my hair out because of the sheer madness this world put me into with its double minded, two faced people who change in a blink of a second and then there are people who for some strange rhyme or reason, or without any, are good to you and actually make an effort to minimize your pain and calm you down and listen to you …met one recently while researching and realized about the other one who has been already there…is it their aura or dunno what which just emits such positive vibes that you tend to just want to scream out ur pains to them…lending a listening ear everytime when needed, i wonder who lends them though i try on my behalf to return twice the love am recieving coz for something i am not deserving, it should be returned with interest and sometimes i wonder how to…someday i would definetly like to ask them, why waste time on boosting up a self pitied guy who seems to do nothing but becomes desparingly hopeless about things and cries on petty issues but not on major ones like death…i mean seriously these both ground me atleast…where do you guys get your energy from? whats the secret? couldnt have asked for a better beginning, hopefully all the optimism and positiveness would help me be a better person and the ‘devdas’ and the ‘depressed soul’ though i feel too that i hope it would help me and the change seems to be working a bit since i have opened up to a few people …though still feel wierd in a crowd or a crowded place, a good company and a person beside you with a positive aura makes all the wierdness worthwhile…i dunno what to say coz Thank you doesnt seem to do justice to that and hopefully you guys will continue to calm this wierd piscean who’s freedom is a bit too much to handle even for himself.
On the other front, people say i need to be in a relationship but at this stage i dunt see myself for u need to be in love and attracted to be in a relationship so am very much single, for the time being….will surely shout off the rooftops when i am in a relationship so all you gossipers look out for that (God now it feels like what movie stars feel like)…Ramchand Pakistani has released in cinemas am hopefully wanting to catch that movie either tomm or day after or otherwise next weekend probably along with Kismet Konnection…i still dress ’sloppy’ and ‘wierd’ and not sleekly and in a chic manner but thats what i feel easy going in and as my parents say no parent will give u their daughter’s hand in marriage and then comes endless example of a ‘friend’ of mine or that i dont dress normally …still trying to become immune to things like that…though its hard to pretend that i am
So that was this week ..jus reached home and had food and now writing this post…

P.S. i am also writing a novel but with ivs along it does seem like an endless journey…lets hope that hopefully it will be an interesting one

Need

there are times in your life when you need to cry sometimes with a reason and sometimes without…when you feel like as Rose says in titanic you are in a ‘crowded room shouting at the top of my lungs and no one even looks up and the inertia of my life plunging ahead and me powerless to stop it’…you feel like in the spur of the moment the earth splits open and you just become one with it. You want someone to just listen to you tell them whats in your heart without the fear of them judging you or reacting strangely, in such times of crisis you need support from a friend or a partner who can listen to you and console you, We all need someone someone to support us and hold us when we are in a situation where we might collapse any moment, human beings are designed for anything but loneliness and those too busy chasing success when they achieve it they have everything but relationships…what one needs to realize that its the journey thats important not the destination…but that is another story and debate altogether, what i was saying was there are certain times in life where you feel you are all alone and when this loneliness creeps up to you, you tend to make decisions which might alter the course of your life in a direction which you might regret in the later stages of life, you tend to lose your ability to differentiate right from wrong and thus to make matters worse you end up in a situation you did not want to in the first place…the need however is for those people to stick with their friends are partners who are going through a rough patch in their lives and support them and be with them in every way possible lending your shoulder for them to cry on when needed and providing them with shade in the harsh sun of problems…sounds cheesy i know…but what can i say that it all helps that person to a certain extent to retain his sanity and his belief that you are there for him no matter what… might be an acid test for you as to what the hell am i a servant or what that he comes to me letting out his frustrations but then again you didnt choose to be someone’s friend or partner just like that…as rani says Dosti ki hai nibhani to pareygi(you have become friends now, so will have to bear the friendship) also it also becomes a responsibility on your shoulder not to end the relationship and call it to quits, you might be able to move on but the other person banking on you for emotional support might just break down, collapse like life does after meeting death, and the consequences well, they are better left unsaid…coz it might be worse than you can imagine