Blur…

i Stand here thinking, thinking about myself, the positiveness i once exuded, reserverance from the world i still have, i peek out of the corner of my eye. Time seems to have come to a stand still for me for people moving around are in a blur, each and everyone of them, who has the time to look into lives or stop by. and there i am sitting, sitting still there at the station with my gaze fixed at the optical illusion, as people walk over its marble covering. I look inside my self and see no one, i see no one except when my eyes get adjusted to the dark a helpless person in a corner, sobbing away and as i go near i get attacked, slashed, cut, my hair torn, i manage to get away somehow to see what just happened. Despite him being on chains, i pity the poor thing for with this sort of freedom all he had to do was wait to live wait to die wait for an absolution which would never come, and that is what i am doing sitting here waiting….waiting. People say i have mood swings like anything, i am very reserved, People say!…*sigh* these people who move around in a blur around me, Decent people! these decent people make or break a person for they both co-exist in the society. They always anger me, these decent people who know nothing about anyone would not stop to look at life but to taunt others’ who knows probably their own isn’t that good and no matter what you do how loud is the music you plug in your ears or jus simply try to ignore them you can’t…As i sit here day in day out, my clothes start to detoriate, the flesh on my bones starts to thin out and as i dont move at all i end up i end up being a rotten frame of skin and bones with tattered clothes hung onto it, as my vision starts to fade and my skin peeling off my bones like that of bananaskin from banana, i just detoriate leaving away a stench filling rotten pile of skin, bones, hair, hardly any flesh and a pair of eyeballs still in the eyesockets with their afixed gaze waiting…waiting for something to happen as i stand up and try to become a blur with the sensible world commenting on the rotten pile  ‘what’s that stench! eww!’ and move on…….

Suicide Note

Just a random thought to write a suicide note cum will who knows what mite happen next .more things will be added as they come to my mind before i die or go insane

To Who ever it may concern (read whoever may find me dead for who is concerned for just another death),
    Guess seems like i chose a bad time to say goodbye but nevertheless better late than never. Seems like i decided to cut down Pakistan’s population by one person but who knows how many are born each second. You just found me dead! woah! but if you are reading this i am probably long gone embarked on a new adventure. Wish me Luck. As far as my death goes, hmm well if you are anyone who is related to me through blood, guess you won’t have to miss me at parties anymore (asi if u did). ok lets cut the crap. Whoever reads this letter i have a few requests to make of few things i would require of you to do.

• No mourning for less/more than 3 days. i dont want the chehlum or barsi or things like that. For God’s sake why would i want people to be sad while remembering me on certain days
• which brings me to my second point that i think i have bridged enough gap from you all in terms of my relationship with you that after my death i am sure you wouldnt be sad and miss me or putting it in blunt termsyou wouldnt come even to shit on ma grave
• Donate my eyes, atleast someone could see the world the way he would want to not as he is made to
• Burn all my drawings, sketches and all my work plus my pictures
• Donate my school textbooks and give my novels to Sara she asked for them
• My music collection to Sara mahmood , Sameer and M.Ali Yousuf (three of the few imp people who made life a bit worthwhile)
• Sara Mehmood and M.Ali Yousuf jus wanted to tell u that u guys were one of the few best things that happened to me at ivs. 
• Of my death DO NOT i repeat DO NOT tell anyone not even whom you guys consider or see as my closest friends which includes Sameer Sacib etc. Though eventually they will come to know of it so i want them to be informed of my death after a month i have deceased for the later you tell the less the impact is for i thats what i have seen in them and then after just a few minute visit they can go to their own worlds far removed of my existence and smoke up the nite

Why did i die? well thats one question i had been finding answer to all my life. even i don’t know the answer. Maybe it was the frustration from this finicky world? or was it silent storm within me which became the cause of me killing myself? or was it the constant pressure? Or was it my own depression from things i wouldnt want to mention here and cause embarassment for those certain people? but then again its a secret as to why i died a secret best defined in line ‘ its for me to know and you to find out’

Cheesy …i know

‘Yours, NOT ANY MORE

Owais

 

P.S. Trust me you now have one less person to worry about (if i was important i.e.)

Love

Love the most popular topic in the world. About time i start venturing into and making a distinct comment about a territory alien to me and experimenting a bit. To people whom i am a lonely love-struck social retard this might strike as a surprise as to why it took me such a long time to comment on this alien territory. Frankly the answer is i really don’t know. to understand Love one must understand that love is not a thing it is merely a feeling, rather than anything else like what those sayings of ‘experienced’ people say, which who has experienced knows the joys and pains that come with it and who hasn’t (which includes me) doesn’t. So what is it about Love that interests everyone at one point in his life? It is probably how just two people come together and develop feelings for each other despite any blood relations whether be it developing into a relationship through repeated meetings or just a single one…like Rani said, ‘Kabhi ek mulaqaat hi kaafi hoti hai aur kabhi buhat si mulakaatien lag jaati hain’ which translates as ’sometimes it just takes one meeting and sometimes it takes more than one’ or is it the powerful strength that Love gives or causes. It can sustain you through trying times and motivate you to make extraordinary sacrifices. however it can also force ordinary men to perform the darkest deeds or compel them to search hidden truths. Seems like what interests more to people is not what love is but the consequences or what it causes. apart from the blood relationships, for the person who is in Love, Love is nothing but the central drama of their lives. It has all theatrical possibilities. Passion, jealousy, betrayal, revenge, you name it and its there and what better example there is than the romantic movies of bollywood. Love is something, something like an illusion that is created by man to control their haphazard emotions. yet it is the same illusion which should be the basis of marriage, a commitment between two people. true that friends can marry too but best friends don’t necessary make best spouse to each other unless and until they make the marriage work but then again they would be denying love to their spouse and themselves. However the couples who marry out of Love for each other soon discover that they have to make their marriage work and cant go on believing that love will take care of it. Love is not some diety or entity which you rely on its just the mutual feeling two people have for each other. So how does one know one is in love or is it just mere infatuation or a deep crush or an entity of desire…the answer is something i don’t know because i have never been in Love and therefore cant say much about it. However IF it is the same kind of love that friends share, or same kind u share with your sibling or one of the parents, then i can say Love is just being unconditional. You don’t keep track of things you do for that other person or give for that person, you just do it without a rhyme or reason just because that person is your friend and without caring what you will get in return. As Hema Malini quotes, ‘pyar mein lene dene ka hisaab nahi rakha jaata, pyaar to bas kiya jaata hai’ which translates to ‘you don’t keep track of things you do for your loved one. you just Love. But sometimes when your efforts and your Love isnt acknowledge it hurts it hurts like a pang a dagger just thrusted into the chest without a warning by the invisible hand of fate and that is the time when that person needs someone to hold onto for only someone else can fill up a void left by someone or else it just becomes a uncared wound which does nothing but scaths you everytime you remember it which is likely to be almost every moment of the rest of your lives no matter how much you try to distract yourself. But then again as Abida Parveen quotes in Nasir’s ghazal, ‘Pee ja ayaam ki talkhi ko bhi hans ke nasir, gham ko sehne mein bhi kudrat ne maza rakha hai’ which means that one should drink the tortures of the days with a smile for life has kept joy even in bearing the sadness. well another example of that would be if you eat something really spicy, you would immediately grab up for water but in between that time the tastes surging in your mouth and the burning tongue has its own uniqueness to it. Love is strange in many ways and in some as simple as it can get. But as far as my knowledge goes, my knowledge of love comes from love itself or reading about love or observing people who say they are in love. and what i can say about it is that Love is the basis of all the relationships there is and as you mature in that relationship you peel off the layers discovering something new from time to time.

If you can’t make sense throughout my blabblering, my apologies

Strange are the ways of this world

well the world has always seemed to be a a very starnge place to begin with…i have been pondering over this question since my birth, i am actually one of the few who was pondering the same this as to what this world is therefore did not cry when was born unlike people who express their displeasure immediately of entering this world by crying coz they couldnt do much about it after they have entered unless they acquire some knowledge of this world and decide to end their lives when they come to realization of this world being a wierd place. Yea so where was i, yea apologies for blabbering but when it comes to writing i let my fingers do the talking… the world is a strange place to begin with, with its set ideas and notions, the moulds which are set by a society or a number of people with similar ideas bbut what if someone from amongst them wants to break this mould, he is sidelined, laughed upon, mocked, made fun of, taunted and all that eventually would get to that person in one way or the other. The person would either kneel down to the command of others and do whatever others want or in the process of continuing to do what he wants eventually will go mad for this world wouldn’t let him live or die. the need for the quest to find the answer is that why is it that ice’s destiny to melt into its own water…if it is then why it is said people can change their destinies…the answer lies in the circumstances. every human being responds to the circumstances he or she is put in for these circumstances are the one which decide their fate and their destiny according to their responses towards something. how to respond is in hands of the person. but no matter how much a person ignores the barking world out there it affects that person in one way or the other. in ignoring the outer world his inner world becomes a rage, a storm of emotional tides in which the tsunamis of lonliness disable him to do much (read the lonliness post for more) and therefore instead of people accepting whoever and however that person is the person is squashed under the giant foot of set rule book of the society, if he succeeds, then he is remembered or else has his grave in just another corner of some gloomy old graveyard alone and silent suffering in the same way as he did during his life. Whoever u are you should accept people around you as who they are afterall knowing a certain fact about someone doesnt and shouldn’t alter your perception of that person for example if am friends with a person and a few years later he comes to me and says he is gay i’ll be like yea watever for it doesnt and wouldnt change the type of person that person is what would upset me is the amount of time and confidence he would take on the trust he would have on me but then again i wouldn’t be for that person would have had enough troubles to handle if he came out vocally or if a person who has studied science and wants to pursue arts parents should be willing to encourage rather than just let the person face and take the trouble that comes with the choice he wants to make happily turning it into a nightmare…in both the situations the person shouldn’t be outcasted of society just because you dont think it is ‘normal’ or that person is ‘different’ if you do, well then don’t expect that person to listen to you when you are in need of help and if that person does listen, you let go off someone whom you shouldn’t have…indeed the world has some strange ways of living created by its inhabitants